A Little Ditty About Jack & Diane

Originally published under the headline, “Added machines will contribute to safe sex” in the North Dakota State University student newspaper, The Spectrum, Fall 1990

Last spring a condom machine was installed in each of the main floor bathrooms of the Memorial Union. So what?

Last weekend, Jack went to a party with a bunch of his friends to have a few beers and to “hopefully get lucky.” As fate would have it, Diane went to the same party with a group of her friends. She was hoping to “find a man.” Jack and Diane had met the week before in one of their classes. Each knew the other was interested. They just needed an opportunity to talk and… well… whatever.

At the party, Jack found Diane or Diane found Jack, it’s hard to say in these situations. They found a place along one of the walls to get to know each other better and have a few cups of bad keg beer. How romantic.

Jack and Diane took turns standing in the beer line for each other for a couple of hours before they agreed to trade in the wild party scene for a place with a little peace and quiet.

Both Jack and Diane lived on campus, so they decided to go to one of their dorm rooms. Diane found a seat on a bunk while Jack reached into the fridge for a couple of beers. Gentleman Jack twisted off the bottle camp for Diane as he snuggled up next to her on the bed.

Now we must leave Jack and Diane for about an hour for the sake of decency. It will suffice for us to know that in those 60 minutes the couple got close, VERY close.

For those of you who blush at the thought of the position our model couple is now in, it is time to move to another article or put down this paper altogether. Things are going to get worse, or better, depending on your point of view.

O.K. The hour was up. Jack and Diane were… uh… er… to the point of no return. Jack reached down to grab his wallet out of his Levis. Inside he kept one of those little packets of peace of mind.

AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!

Our hero had a problem. Following the previous weekend’s escapades, Jack forgot to take a trip to the drugstore to replenish his supply of date packs. He asked Diane if she, maybe, had some protection with her. She grabbed her purse and dumped the contents onto the floor.

AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!

Diane didn’t have a date pack, either! What was our couple going to do?

At this point, the slogan “Just Say No” would have worked about as well as it did for Nancy Reagan’s anti-drug campaign. One of the pair could have gotten up, put on his/her clothes, run over to the Union, found the bathroom, made a purchase, run back to the dorm, taken off his/her clothes and jumped back into bed. How many of you think s/he did that? (Woah! That is what I call an attempt to build reader interest!)

Now, to the point of this little ditty about Jack and Diane.

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that there was a condom machine in each of the bathrooms of the dorms. Would Jack or Diane have been more likely to run down the hall to buy a condom than all the way over to the Union? I think that would be a safe assumption.

Even if one of the couple had wanted to run over to the Union, it probably would have been locked tight. The Union doors are locked at 11 p.m. Most of these… uh… er… extracurricular activities probably start happening after that time.

How many students are thinking about sex in the middle of the day as we stroll through the Union? O.K., O.K., all of us. But how many think to stop by the bathroom and pick up protection? Sure, we’re thinking about it, but the particulars such as condoms probably haven’t entered our minds.

Don’t get me wrong. Having condom machines in the Union is a great idea. It is an important first step in an informed and prepared campus. But it is only a first step. Without following up on this first step, the condom machines in the Union become a token gesture.

The first reaction to this token gesture is to blame the university administration. Probably NDSU decided it couldn’t afford to put condom machines in every bathroom in every dorm. That isn’t the case, however. According to the Office of Student Affairs, the administration took every step to make machines available to students in the residence halls. The students didn’t want them.

The condom machines were installed in the Union bathrooms last spring, when the hype about AIDS was still in full swing. At the time, the housing office asked students in the residence halls if they would be in favor of having condom machines in their bathrooms. The students replied with an overwhelming NO.

Why didn’t students want condom machines in their bathrooms? Apparently, they were afraid Mommy and Daddy might see the machines when they came to visit. Heaven forbid!

What would Mommy and Daddy rather have? A healthier daughter or son, a daughter or son with a sexually transmitted disease, or a daughter with an unwanted pregnancy? Mommy and Daddy should quit being so naïve about their children, and we should quit being so afraid of what our parents think.

Now, as much as ever, we have to be aware and responsible. The hype surrounding AIDS seems to have died down a little, but the killer disease is still out there waiting for you. Not only is AIDS waiting to add you to the list of condemned, but a wide variety of other STDs, as well. There are Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Genital Herpes, Syphilis and Viral Hepatitis, just to name a few. Disgusting words, aren’t they? Wait until you’ve experienced the diseases that go with them.

Any one of these creatures could snatch you while you’re in bed. One thing can protect you: The Condom.

So let your resident assistant or hall director know that you would like to see condom machines in your dorm. We all get caught unprepared once in a while, and it would be nice to know there is protection available IF you need it.

If you’re not going to think of yourself, at least think of Jack and Diane.